I love you Mom…
‘Mom, Please trust us .we are with you in this time of crisis’. Me and my sister sat across my mom trying to convince her . We could sense her feeling of disbelief and distrust as she glared at us through her glasses. The meaning was clear she no longer trusted us… sometimes it felt that she has forgotten we were her children….
I frequently had my little chats with God as to what had happened to my Mom… She had changed after papa’s death last year.
The same woman who would sit late in the night to knit me the most beautiful sweater which I wanted to wear the next day for my school weekend party… the same woman who will give me milk at 0300 am , who would spend sleepless nights during my board exams. Who will not sleep just to make sure that she was able to wake us up at odd hours for our studies during examination time.
I dedicate this article to that mother who now after so many years looks at us with disbelief and does not trust us.
‘Moti..Shahi-nahi-hai …that’s how I was called by my school mates …Each day from my school Ill come back crying hating my name Shalini and being plump…and would hide in the most comfortable place my Mom’s lap which would immediately give me a sense of security and the minute she would put her hand on my head I would be a transformed soul. She will never speak much but just give me that immense support all the times and a smile which always said.’My dear, I trust you and I love you a lot’ . To make me happy and smiling would make that yummy gajjar ka halwa, kheer and what not …
‘You should not bother what people say , you should work hard and be the best as then they will notice you for what you are… being fat doesn’t mean being ugly… my beautiful daughter .you are the most beautiful person on this earth’ Mummy would tell me this everyday .
Her constant hammering of these words was having an unnoticed impact on me an urge to do something really good and a desire to be known to this world.
‘Lovely’ you know who gave you this pet name… it was the nurse in the hospital because you were so plump and beautiful”, she would say all these things to make me feel wonderful about myself.
It was this faith and trust of her in me which encouraged me and gave me that burning desire to be the best in whatever I do or did .After having secured excellent grades in class XII she came with Papa to drop me to LSR .my dream college… and she had the same faith and trust in me when she left me in the hostel. I broke her trust … not once but thrice we were caught by the hostel warden for going out without informing… both my parents were called .I was scared .but she sat calmly and just said. ‘remember in life whatever you do will make or mar you .so be careful…have fun , enjoy yourself but always know your limits’. That trust in me even at that time made me cry for days in shame .that was worst than being scolded or shouted at as most of the parents did or would do. She unknowingly gave me a lesson of life and that helped me while bringing up my own kids.
When the first time I started working she came all the way to bless me… and her feeling of elation knew no limits as years started crawling and i started progressing…. and when I won awards… my picture appearing in the newspaper gave her that ecstatic feeling .which I still cant get over… that smile on her face… that feeling of pride which every child craves to see on their Mom’s face was there..
I owe whatever I’m today to my Mom. I, as a child was extremely shy and a feeling of insecurity was there since I was always a plump child… many people who know me now would probably be shocked by that statement today … My Mom who gave me all the courage and supported me all throughout, taught me how important it is to face the world and do what one thinks is right…not to be chained but believe in oneself and never lose faith in God.
Today she is frail, old, cant hear properly, and she distrusts… she starts crying like a child and I’m not able to comfort her the way she did.
Mother we need you …you don’t know how blessed we are and whatever we are today is because of you .Our hearts scream but she can’t hear us.
‘Mom, I’m a director of a school… mom your dream is fulfilled but you don’t seem to care. Remember, I made you wear your most favorite sari when I took you as a chief guest to a recent sport’s festival at my school, I spoke from the heart about what you meant to me to the huge gathering but everyone heard except you .you just smiled and you were busy playing with the small kids… forgetting to hug me for what I spoke… you didn’t hear a word I had spoken about you .you were more engrossed in talking to my teachers… it seems you didn’t care about me .Mom .I still need you .believe me please I need you .and I need you more than ever before ……where should I go when I feel down in the dumps .where should I go when people let me down….where should I go when I want someone to just hear to me… you tenderly, patiently cared for me and taught me to walk and talk. you read to me and made me laugh. No one delighted in my successes more; no one could comfort me better in my failures. I am so grateful for how you mothered me and mentored me, and even disciplined me. You gave me the courage to face the storm, it was you who taught me how to always smile in the worst of times… I need you …Please believe me ..’
I decided to visit my Doctor friend and seek his advice and he said she is going through a bad phase, a trauma which a woman who was so dependent on the man in his life goes through frequently when she loses him. Time will make her overcome all this but when??? I hope I’m not too old by then to enjoy the secure feeling of having a mother besides me.
I just want to say one thing… I love you Mom a lot…..